While all of my skinny friends were having their first crushes and boyfriends, I was being friend-zoned and used as a go-between for flirty conversations and boys who liked them. I knew why no boys liked me, it’s because I was fat. Even in kindergarten I would swing on the swings and watch my crush Carlos playhouse with all the skinny pretty kindergarteners praying that he would pick me to play with. But even in kindergarten, I was fat, I wasn’t petite and demure like Mackenzie and Kristen who got to playhouse with my Carlos. 

I longed for attention and to have all of the typical life experiences that come along with being a pre-teen. In third grade I had a crush on the most popular boy in the class, Brandon, I made the mistake of divulging this juicy gossip to a friend and the whole class snickered and pointed at me and laughed when they found out. Again, I was fat, who would like me?

When a boy finally did like me my senior year of high school, he asked that we keep the relationship a secret at school from our friends. I tried to convince myself that this was sweet, but I felt like it was a typical teenage movie scenario, cool guy doesn't want his friends to know he's dating the fat girl in school. 

Society had taught me that as a large-bodied woman I did not deserve to date or be loved. I remember one of my parent’s friends saying to me “once you get to a smaller size, the size God has for you, you will find a husband.” Thus, instilling in me that even God and men did not find me lovable until I was skinny. So, I became skinny, so skinny. And I was miserable, I was always hungry and tired and still hated my body and still thought I was unworthy of love. 

 I won't bore you with the many times I tried to date and the horrible dates I went on and many many times things did not work out. However, every time I got rejected or things with someone just fizzled, I attributed it to my weight or my looks. I wasn't skinny enough for them or pretty enough for them. I was always a problem. I longed for emotional, physical, and spiritual connection, but settled for merely a physical connection, dating drug dealers and cult leaders, assholes and losers for short stints just to feel desired. I had convinced myself I would never get married and have a family like I desired and that had also been said to me by friends and even family members.  

My current relationship is the first time in my 28 years where I feel fully and wholly loved and appreciated for me – body, mind, and spirit. Right when I felt like I had sinned beyond belief and did not deserve anything good from God, I met my boyfriend. I didn’t think it was possible to meet someone who encouraged me to speak about trauma, bodies and eating disorders as well as lead me and encourage me in my relationship with Jesus. Every time I have a day where I can only think negative things about my body my boyfriend will say to me, “I love you for so much more than your body” thus instilling in me that my worth is not found in my body but that it is found in so much more. 

My hope and prayer is that if you are a person of faith in a large body, don’t give up hope. You can be in a healthy and loving, Christ-centered relationship at any size. So many people think that love, babies and that white picket fence are only for skinny people. That, my friends, couldn’t be further from the truth.

Want more?

Food Freedom Bible Study is now available for individuals and Registered Dietitians who want to earn CEU’s. It’s a simple, online, gospel-centered program for breaking the bondage of food, exercise and body issues.